I often have so many thoughts about you, nothing affectionate just angry curiosity. Was there ever a time in your parenting life that you thought it would be good to put your children before your vagina?
I am 37 years old and I'm fairly certain it hasn't happened in my lifetime. You didn't think about me when you had a plethora of partners between husbands; the country music singer who didn't like kids and was vocal about it but you moved us in with him anyways, the one with one leg, the teenager who lived across the road, the criminal (how was that one? he was actually in prison and yet felt that it was perfectly fine and normal to take your two young daughters on visitation), the criminal's sister - the lesbian, that one guy from Cessnock and then his mate... not in chronological order!
With your current husband you never once took your daughters into consideration, if you did then he wouldn't have moved in with us IMMEDIATELY - fucked him and he never fucked off.
Not only did you allow this violent, aggressive man into our lives but you excused his behaviour "it's his back, he's in constant pain". You allowed him to deal drugs from our home, inviting in a whole mass of randoms... I have children, I have a daughter IT IS NOT ok to allow strange men into the home of your children. I was told I was a useless bitch, I was told I was fat (sadly when I was nowhere near overweight), I was told I was stupid, I was told children should be drowned at birth. You allowed him to scream in our faces. I was always baffled by the "whilst you live under my roof you'll do as I say". His roof? The roof I spent the majority of my childhood under was the housing commission roof that you and my father were given in order to responsibly care for your children. Let's be technical, HE LIVED UNDER MY ROOF. He bullied us to no end and it worsened as soon as Dad moved to Queensland. The day after you married him he told me to GET FUCKED, I had just turned 13 and you did not pull him up. You did not once tell this man to not treat your daughters like dog shit, instead I was blamed for all of it. Funny though, I don't now nor have I ever done drugs, smoked cigarettes, become an alcoholic. I've never asked to borrow money from you (something that you have asked me many many times).
Did you know that one of my friends and I planned once how we were going to get rid of your husband because everyone was afraid of him? Did you know that her mother overheard and put a stop to it explaining that if he got into trouble that you would too?
Did you know that on my 17th birthday I sat on my bed with the big meat knife under the pillow with the intention of killing myself? Did you know that the only reason I did not so much as attempt to place the knife against my skin because I was terrified that if I was not successful then I'd be in the biggest trouble - that's such an absurd reason for not following through.
I remember your friend mentioning he wanted his stepdaughters to respect him as your daughter's respected your husband. There is a fine line between being respectful and being terrified of someone, I was the latter. Did you know the moment I stopped being afraid of your husband and saw him for what he truly is - a bully with a big mouth. I clearly remember the day, he was standing outside my bedroom door bellowing at me and calling me the disgusting names that he always did (oh yeah, I've got brilliant self esteem thanks mother) only it was a Friday afternoon and he'd forgotten that my boyfriend (the footballer) was coming to collect me. I wish you'd seen the look of panic that crossed his face when he saw the footballer out of the corner of his eye. It was at that moment I was no longer afraid. He's all mouth until someone bigger than he is in close proximity. Over the years I'd heard him hurl abuse in shopping centres as he crossed pathes with his own family members. The lies and venom that he spits out and you allow, it's domestic violence. Plainly and simply yet you have never ever not once made any attempt to fight for your children instead you allow this man to continue to wreak havoc.
Most recently you sat back as he encouraged my eldest child to push his mother away. YOU ALLOWED YOUR HUSBAND TO TELL YOUR DAUGHTER TO FUCK OFF IN FRONT OF YOUR GRANDSON. I wonder if ever, just once you've felt tremendous guilt in your actions. I wonder at what point will you say it's not ok. YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT ONLY A CUNT TO YOUR DAUGHTER BUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN. My 3 children are impacted every single day by your refusal to stand up to your husband and protect your blood. My autistic child is having behavioral issues because right now he doesn't understand why his big brother is no longer spending time with him. My little boy sleeps in his big brother's bed and his baby sister sleeps with his stuffed toys. They are 5 and 3, they do not understand that there are people in this world who do not consider how their actions impact others. You encourage the lies and forget to tell your friends, the same people I once called Aunts and Uncles, the truth. Your daughter has done nothing, not one thing wrong to you it is you that did and continues to do the wrong thing by your daughter. You have birthed four children, have at least 8 grandchildren and yet really you have nothing. One bitter daughter who instead of paying close attention to her nephew's environment chooses to mimic her mother's behaviour. Three grandchildren, each confused as to the existence of the others.
And now I have written this, it exists and I am choosing to let go for good. The pain you have caused me is tremendous, the pain you have caused my children is unforgivable. My choice is and always has been to put my babies first, you might enjoy your made up stories but I have confidence in being able to tell each of them that I never ever, not once gave up. Not when I was dragged up by a meek woman who married a psychopath (oh, it's him look up the definition), not when I was emotionally abused, not when I was physically abused, not when I was living with my toddler whilst pregnant in a women's refuge. I get knocked down and kicked in the gut over and over but every time I stand back up and keep pushing through something you have never ever done.
Children should be loved unconditionally, supported and encouraged they should feel that no matter what their mother is right beside them ready to catch them when they fall and cheer them on when they're doing brilliantly. I can never imagine calling my children the things you called me. There is no reason, not one for you or your husband to ever contact me again. May you reap what you sow and may life give to you exactly what a woman like you deserves.